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Miscellaneous
jokes
- A man walks into his psychiatrist's
office wearing nothing but a pair of underpants made of
cling film.....
The psychiatrist says: "Well, I can clearly see your
nuts"
- It's October, and an Indian chief thinks
it's going to be a cold winter. So he instructs his tribe
to collect firewood. To double-check his prediction, the
chief calls the National Weather Service and asks a meteorologist
if the winter is going to be a cold one.
The man responds, "According to our indicators, we
think it might."
So the chief tells his people to find extra wood, just
in case. A week later he calls the National Weather Service
again, and they confirm that a harsh winter is headed
their way.
The chief orders all of his people to scavenge every scrap
of wood they can. Two weeks later he calls the National
Weather Service again and asks, "Are you absolutely
sure this winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replies. "The Indians
are collecting wood like crazy."
- Last New Year's Eve, a lady stood up
at the local pub and said that it was time to get ready
for the celebrations.
At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to
be standing next to the one person who made his life worth
living.
Well, it was kind of embarrassing. The bartender was almost
crushed to death.
- My therapist told
me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what
I start. So far today I have finished a cheese pizza and
2 bags of chips.
I feel better already.
- A Mormon acquaintance once pushed Mark
Twain into an argument on the issue of polygamy. After
long and tedious expositions justifying the practice,
the Mormon demanded that Twain cite any passage of scripture
expressly forbidding polygamy. "Nothing easier,"
Twain said. "No man can serve two masters."
- "Congratulations Mr. Smith,"
said the psychiatrist. "I think we have finally and
completely cured you of your delusion."
"Thanks...I guess." Answered Mr. Smith glumly.
"But what's wrong?" asked the psychiatrist.
"Why do you sound so depressed?"
"Wouldn't you be down if one day you're King Leopold
and the next you're a nobody?"
- I stepped into the restroom at our
company headquarters and found this handwritten sign posted
over one of those hot air hand dryers... "Please
push button and listen for a short message from the Vice
President."
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